fading but not gone

the sadness has begun
to fade, the hurt
isn’t as sharp and all consuming
now what remains is
dull, a reminder
that you existed
that you were so loved
that you introduced me to a new way to love
thank you for choosing me
i’ll look you for in every sunset

woman

i couldn’t tell you
what being a woman is
everyday i try
knowing my efforts may
not be recognized
my worth may be deemed less
i think of my mother
four thousand plus kilometres away
and the power of her potential
that never came to fruition
I do it for her,
all the women before her
all the women after me

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today

today was hard
in that
i didn’t think about you
or the pain in my chest
my mind was abuzz
and my thoughts tangled
with the everyday mundane
i didn’t think about you
today
and I feel so guilty

most

i have always loved you
but i like you most
in the softest of light
when your eyes are low
and your gaze away and focused
i like you most
when your passion for
notes and strings and melodies
tilts your voice high and a touch frantic
i like you most
when you make me
the food of my childhood
with every ounce of care and love
like my mother did
i like you most
when you talk about wanting a daughter
and the sweet name she’d have
i like you most
when you wrap your arms around me
and let me breathe and release and cry
i like you most
always

next time

in the comfort of the dark
we allow ourselves to
talk about it again
to hope
about a next time
next time
to cautiously open
our hearts again
to a possibility
of us becoming three,
in low whispers
just in case our wish
turns into reality

extinguish

there are days
like today
where i woke up
with no kindness in my heart
with no happiness in sight
and you stand in front of me
with your big smile
and hopeful eyes
and in my selfish attempt
to make me feel better
i tear you down
but it doesn’t
make me feel any better
because you are my light
because you are the one
who does makes me feel better
with your kindness
selflessness,
with your big smile
and hopeful eyes.
and now i have no one to blame
but myself
for extinguishing my light
and yours

thief in the night

how do i describe a pain
so deep
so vast
so debilitating,
a pain where your heart
is cracked and slowly breaking apart
piece by piece
each time you remember
hearing those words,
words that changed the trajectory
of your life,
words that were uttered
with compassion
but pierced and sliced and cut
hopes and dreams
i never knew i wanted
until they were taken from me
quietly, discreetly
like a thief in the night

all that is

it’s a quarter after seven
quiet and still
no thrumming of jackhammers on concrete
no birds singing to loved ones
there’s only you
soft in sleep
whispers of dreams
doubts nowhere in sight
all that is
between you and i
lingers in the air
unsaid
deafening

for my mother

you never took a seat at the table
much less asked to
because you never belonged
it was never for you
too brown, too broken english
too invisible, too forgettable
your sacrifices weren’t seen as such
these were expectations
good wife. good mother.
dutiful.
i mistook your quiet fire
for complacency, for conformity
but my loud, abrasive demand
to be seen, to be heard
is owed to you
because of you
i shake the table

little girl

navigate the line
above, between, below
don’t forget the sacrifices
made before you
don’t cause ripples
in the water ahead of you
little girl
stand up straight
your shoulders have yet
much to bare.