hot headed
just like
grandfather showed me
how fierce words could be
sharp and precise
swift and hurtful
he told me i had a gift
to use it wisely.
just like
grandfather taught me
the importance of self
never let them reduce you 
to their level
because, puth, you 
shine like your birthstone
next to these faded rocks.
just like
grandfather used to 
pat my cheeks, 
eyes bright with pride
i did not understand
never let them tell you
you can’t be what you want
to be, who you are
what you are.
grandfather saw it
as a weakness in me
shoulders straight
hold your jaw
twenty six years later
i never learned
how to pull
my heart off my sleeve
grandfather did say
i reminded him of

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i never questioned

pure and whole
i never questioned 
happiness depended on
second nature
second guessed
i couldn’t be 
if you weren’t 
since i said goodbye
footstep after footstep
eyes forward
back straight and stiff
eyes dry
like pops always
i tried to 
happiness is
days melted into
weeks into 
months into
a year
the face in the
mirror isn’t the 
same nor is this
i can’t seem to
and to say it’s
entirely because of 
because of him
the days i locked away
but his palms are open
face up
towards the bluest of sky
rivaling his eyes
all i have to do
is let the key

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in middle of the night

in middle of the night
when i awoke
unaware in the moment
you never left
i turned my body
ever so softly
ever so gently
to awake you
unaware of the moment
would shatter the utter
peacefulness coursing
through your veins
my fingertips itched to trace
the bow of your lips
the coarse edge of
soft hair lining your jaw
but i couldn’t awake you 
one touch
one poke
the dream folds
like those who
faded before you
yet you
you can’t disappear
i finally just got you
keep my distance
in hope
one day you’ll wake up
in middle of the night
and reach out for me

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let you walk away

light is filtering in
the sun only beating
us by mere minutes
you’re racing
against some clock
i can’t see
but i sit back
sheets pooled just under
my chest
the cold air evident on
my skin
and watch you fight
with yesterday’s clothes
buttons slowly hide
the marks i didn’t
mean to leave on
your pale skin 
fingernails indent
my favorite hip bone
faded teeth just above
your bellybutton 
dressed but perhaps
not fully ready
you climb onto the bed
marred sheets rustling
your face hovers
above mine
glasses framing 
tired but content
ocean blue eyes
press a kiss
against my lips
that doesn’t justify either
of our needs
of our wants
you’re already late
but i let you walk away
let you leave
with my red lipstick
lingering on your cheek
just above yesterday’s stubble

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more than anything
i want to know
what your hands
feel like in mine
eyes closed
roughened skin catches
the edges of mine’s soft
fingers bitten by
years of sharp cords
your craft
my pleasure
to feel the strength
of your bones
corded muscle
lined up against
my own strength
cannot belie
the pulse that would
beat between us

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eyes of men

i sat amongst men
had a glass of cognac 
placed in front on me. 
hair tied back,
ends tucked away from
judgmental eyes.
naturally my shoulders hunched
not wanting to waste 
to feel what real men do
they spoke about an age
i would never have any
tangible opinions on
so i sat, shoulders hunched
and brought the glass
to my inexperienced lips
the first touch against my
tongue should have been
my last. but i held down
the urge to let it spill
from between my lips.
let it soak, son.
let it seep into your veins
let it make you a man 
eyes watered but i held on
to a watery smile
and let the countless years of XO
swirl in the pit of my stomach 
when the last drop disappeared
nothing will erase the memory
of pride within 
the eyes of men

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step step follow follow

i almost called you
with the need to
remember the way
you used to hold
step step
follow follow
you were the only
one i ever allowed
hold me tight
where you and i end
was unimportant
like the hours they slipped
the music never mattered
as long as
you held me right
I almost called you today
pressing numbers
etched in  my fingertips

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fingernails in your trapezius

thighs burning
mind spinning
i don’t want to let go
fingernails clinging
leaving scars deep
in your trapezius
like the bruises you
trail along my hips
mind not processing
but deep, numb
you don’t say a word
but you don’t
discourage mine
because i cannot hold
back the pleas 
spilling on their own
accord as you
give me back 
my freedom. 

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never good enough anyway

they say you cannot 
hide what resides in the eyes
i never believed 
until i meet you
depths of green
with a tinge of hazel
the only part of you 
that tells your full story
you can put on a smile
upon your painted lips
make your cheeks full
but your eyes never lie
and it kills me to see them
harbouring such sorrow
you will not stop denying
and it kills me that
i cannot reach forward
wipe away the tears yet
to be fallen
because my touch is 
little too feminine
because my touch is 
little too soft
so i remain at a distance
lips twisted in a smile
i cannot feel and tell you
he was never good enough

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got me in the mood

you’ve got me in the mood 
to cry, let these tears flow
without consequence
never good enough 
“come on baby. just like this.
i know you want to”
you’ve got me in the mood
to throw away everything
i’ve become 
never good enough
“why are you being so dramatic?
just live a little”
you’ve got me in the mood 
to lose myself
“baby who are you fooling?
you’ve never found yourself
in the first place”
you’ve got me in the mood
to believe everything
you believe of me. 

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