fading but not gone

the sadness has begun
to fade, the hurt
isn’t as sharp and all consuming
now what remains is
dull, a reminder
that you existed
that you were so loved
that you introduced me to a new way to love
thank you for choosing me
i’ll look you for in every sunset

woman

i couldn’t tell you
what being a woman is
everyday i try
knowing my efforts may
not be recognized
my worth may be deemed less
i think of my mother
four thousand plus kilometres away
and the power of her potential
that never came to fruition
I do it for her,
all the women before her
all the women after me

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today

today was hard
in that
i didn’t think about you
or the pain in my chest
my mind was abuzz
and my thoughts tangled
with the everyday mundane
i didn’t think about you
today
and I feel so guilty

most

i have always loved you
but i like you most
in the softest of light
when your eyes are low
and your gaze away and focused
i like you most
when your passion for
notes and strings and melodies
tilts your voice high and a touch frantic
i like you most
when you make me
the food of my childhood
with every ounce of care and love
like my mother did
i like you most
when you talk about wanting a daughter
and the sweet name she’d have
i like you most
when you wrap your arms around me
and let me breathe and release and cry
i like you most
always

next time

in the comfort of the dark
we allow ourselves to
talk about it again
to hope
about a next time
next time
to cautiously open
our hearts again
to a possibility
of us becoming three,
in low whispers
just in case our wish
turns into reality

thief in the night

how do i describe a pain
so deep
so vast
so debilitating,
a pain where your heart
is cracked and slowly breaking apart
piece by piece
each time you remember
hearing those words,
words that changed the trajectory
of your life,
words that were uttered
with compassion
but pierced and sliced and cut
hopes and dreams
i never knew i wanted
until they were taken from me
quietly, discreetly
like a thief in the night

chaand mama

chaand mama nu matta tekkeya ajj?

daddy used to teach me
to look out for the stars
high in the night’s sky
there lies your fate
he used to say
your destiny
i used to look for the moon
full and distant
and in the nights
she was nowhere to be seen
despite searching and reaching
daddy told me
never forget to thank
the moon and stars
for they are the reason
why i am
who i am
who i will be
and when he’s too far away
out of reach
out of touch
the moon and stars
are not

saturdays

waking up on saturdays
rolling around in bed
until mama pulls the sheets off
scent of cinnamon and cardamom
mixed in with mama’s smile
pop’s cracks a joke
on the borderline of the truth
but everyone laughs
it’s saturday

now their laughter is in the distance
and saturdays are spent
trying to keep my eyes
from turning red

thank you

hey you

who i once loved

i hope you’re happy

i hope you’re good

but i’m finally ready

ready to say goodbye

for today

for tomorrow

for now

forever

thank you for helping

me become the person

i can truly love

i can be proud of

thank you

for letting me go

when i need to

the most

mama thinks

sometimes i wonder what
mama thinks
sometimes i wonder every night
does she miss the days
she would instruct me to sit
back straight
head high
in front of her so she could
delicately put my dark hair into a braid
i always hated
does she miss the days
i used to watch her cook with a smile
food i no longer tolerate
does she miss the days
i loved myself
like she loved me