fading but not gone

the sadness has begun
to fade, the hurt
isn’t as sharp and all consuming
now what remains is
dull, a reminder
that you existed
that you were so loved
that you introduced me to a new way to love
thank you for choosing me
i’ll look you for in every sunset

woman

i couldn’t tell you
what being a woman is
everyday i try
knowing my efforts may
not be recognized
my worth may be deemed less
i think of my mother
four thousand plus kilometres away
and the power of her potential
that never came to fruition
I do it for her,
all the women before her
all the women after me

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today

today was hard
in that
i didn’t think about you
or the pain in my chest
my mind was abuzz
and my thoughts tangled
with the everyday mundane
i didn’t think about you
today
and I feel so guilty

most

i have always loved you
but i like you most
in the softest of light
when your eyes are low
and your gaze away and focused
i like you most
when your passion for
notes and strings and melodies
tilts your voice high and a touch frantic
i like you most
when you make me
the food of my childhood
with every ounce of care and love
like my mother did
i like you most
when you talk about wanting a daughter
and the sweet name she’d have
i like you most
when you wrap your arms around me
and let me breathe and release and cry
i like you most
always

next time

in the comfort of the dark
we allow ourselves to
talk about it again
to hope
about a next time
next time
to cautiously open
our hearts again
to a possibility
of us becoming three,
in low whispers
just in case our wish
turns into reality

extinguish

there are days
like today
where i woke up
with no kindness in my heart
with no happiness in sight
and you stand in front of me
with your big smile
and hopeful eyes
and in my selfish attempt
to make me feel better
i tear you down
but it doesn’t
make me feel any better
because you are my light
because you are the one
who does makes me feel better
with your kindness
selflessness,
with your big smile
and hopeful eyes.
and now i have no one to blame
but myself
for extinguishing my light
and yours

thief in the night

how do i describe a pain
so deep
so vast
so debilitating,
a pain where your heart
is cracked and slowly breaking apart
piece by piece
each time you remember
hearing those words,
words that changed the trajectory
of your life,
words that were uttered
with compassion
but pierced and sliced and cut
hopes and dreams
i never knew i wanted
until they were taken from me
quietly, discreetly
like a thief in the night

your smile knows

​skin so soft 
pale even as the sun
bestows a carefully placed kiss
you won’t look up
and i won’t speak up
you need to know
how the furrow of your brow
how the purse of your thin pale lips
how the ease of your laughter
how your fingertips find the top of my thigh
makes the voices melt into
the soft hum of the world’s noise
i can feel your gentle grasp
around my heart, easy pulse
when you do look up
your smile knows 

seasoned fingertips

since having your
hands
on my skin,
in my hair,
fingers curled around
my own
it’s the only touch
i crave
seasoned fingers
weathered, endured
on the small of my back,
tracing the lines on my wrist
i could never
get enough
of feeling
your want
within your fingertips

thank you

hey you

who i once loved

i hope you’re happy

i hope you’re good

but i’m finally ready

ready to say goodbye

for today

for tomorrow

for now

forever

thank you for helping

me become the person

i can truly love

i can be proud of

thank you

for letting me go

when i need to

the most